so sad.
i inadvertently became a horrible person.
it’s been very difficult for me to make friends over the past 2 yearsish, and i was finally making headway by opening myself up to the people i work with. like, i could feel myself becoming lighter, happier, and better. i’ve made a few friends, and i made one super awesome friend who later told me that he liked me.. but he still had a girlfriend.
fast forward a couple weeks, i am confronted at work by said (now ex-)girlfriend. i feel like a backstabber. i really honestly like this girl. we were friends. i’ve been told not to feel horrible because i really didn’t do anything wrong, but i really can’t help it, knowing that i’ve played a role in making someone so miserable. people’s happiness and well-being is especially important to me now, after experiencing a prolonged sadness. i can’t stand the fact that i’ve hurt someone. she doesn’t consider me a friend anymore, which hurts me too. i’ve said time and time again that i don’t NEED a boyfriend; what i NEED is a friend. i think i failed to consider this perspective from.. other perspectives.
and now everything is just more complicated. i love spending time with him, but i have such a guilty conscience. i hold him at a distance, both because of my need to retain my independence and strength, and because i wish i wasn’t fully immersed in the situation. idk. it’s ironic that i put so much effort into putting myself out of my comfort zone socially, and what became of my effort was this.
plus my parents are reverting to treating me like i’m 15. although i think even 15 year olds have more freedom than me. i swear i’m not an idiot, at least not as much as last time.
