dear self,
currently, you are experiencing difficulties. currently, you are stressed out beyond what you think you are capable of handling. currently, your life can just blow and blow hard. and currently, you can sometimes feel hopeless. sometimes you can’t see the big picture. sometimes you feel like you’ve lost focus, lost yourself, and all in all, you just feel loss.
here’s what’s stressing you:
1. your non-relationship with a certain non-boyfriend. you have some good days and some bad days, but the bad days are enough to make you doubt the lasting power of you two. you still care deeply for each other, but you feel as if you are putting forth all the effort to making it work. you don’t get enough in return. you are starting to think it can’t work once you move. you feel like you are losing the will to save the non-relationship, but he matters to you and you love him more than is appropriate. you can’t let him go even though he hurts your feelings. you don’t understand each other. you wonder how something so good can turn so sour. you know how you feel about each other, but you just can’t seem to get it right. you can’t bring yourself to walk away, but you also know you can’t force something to work if it is fundamentally wrong. you’re confused and in love and weak. you continue to struggle in hopes that your fear of loss will not be confronted, but you continue to ache, knowing what used to be and what currently is.
2. you are starting a new school. you are getting ready to go to your orientation in two days. you are worried about meeting people. you are worried that you will spend hours feeling bored and lonely and isolated. you do not want to end up depressed again. you are afraid of leaving the life you’ve made for yourself over the last 2 years. everything you’ve known is different or is gone. you are leaving behind the comfort of your own home. you are leaving behind your mom and dad, your brother, your dog, your friends, your non-boyfriend, and your job. nothing remains that is the same. you are afraid because you don’t know what to expect from the near future. you have no idea.
3. you feel extremely unhappy. you feel alone. you think and worry so much, but you feel like no one can help you. you know your friends and family believe that you will do great in san jose, but you have a hard time believing it yourself. you feel as sad as you did 2 years ago, and that scares you. you are disappointed that you have regressed. you are frustrated that happiness eludes you. you are jealous of those that are happy without effort. you wonder why a simple emotion is not granted to you without work. you wake up most mornings feeling anxious. your heart aches. it might be broken.
these are some of the things that worry you.
